It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. -Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
This quote used to offer me a certain sense of comfort. No matter how bad things became; I still had possibilities. Recently the same quote has left me in a state of utter confusion. What the hell does "everything" mean? Exactly what more do I have to lose before I can reach the all too elusive freedom which will enable me to "do anything." I'm no idiot. I realize that I've been pulling each and every word apart in an effort to keep myself imprisoned.
Although my life has truly sucked for the past seven years; I felt secure in my existence. I earned my degree. I found a career that I believed was worthwhile. I was able to afford a home and a car. I was also fooled into thinking I could afford a vast array of what I now understand to be worthless shit. The sense of security I had was a farce. The degree: a piece of paper documenting wasted time. The career: while my goal was to make society a safer, kinder place; the goal of the jackasses I worked for was purely self-preservation. The loss of my career delivered me to a place worse than hell. A place I thought I'd never escape. I'm finally discovering that if I don't pick myself up immediately; I'm going to die! Perhaps not in the literal sense of the word, but isn't the death of one's spirit far worse than one's physical demise?
I'm through dwelling on the senseless bullshit that led to the loss of my "career." Bitterness will help me accomplish nothing except revenge. I'm no longer going to allow pride get in the way of me searching for a "job" so I can subsist without the aide of my parents. Most importantly, I'll no longer allow myself to use my mental illnesses as an excuse for not living up to my full potential as the human being I desire to be. I'm 31, but I have no clue as to "what I want to be when I grow up." All I know is who I want to be. I want to be a person who strives to make the world a safer, kinder place. No career is going to help me reach this goal. It's completely up to me now. This is the freedom that has eluded me for so long. I'm grateful to have finally come to this self-realization. Yes, it scares me and is going to be one hell of a ride, but it pales in comparison to what I've already endured.
4 comments:
oh sweetie, I remember when I had that moment, if you even need some support, remember you got me. I fully understand your battle. But with a bit of gusto you can improve, I sucked it up, picked myself up and took a job(even though part time) makes me feel good about myself.
lots of love and hugs
I am so sorry! I too suffer from a mental illness and it and life together have kicked my butt many a time! I don't know what your skills are and what you have in your area, but I have worked for two non-profits in my life and though both did not pay the greatest, I left each day feeling good about what I was doing. I was helping the world become a better place and I was getting paid to do it. Hang in there!
Life itself is unexplainable, and most often our jobs do not define who we are.. most times we don't even know if what we are doing as a career is actually what we should be doing. I have a hard time knowing who I am, too.
Most of the time I'm really reserved, only watching never talking (or writing/typing); but you must know that even if I don't say anything I always wish all the best to the persons I know and love. They aren't too many, but the persons I've met in CO+K surely are. They've shown me confidence, kindness, solidarity, sisterhood (in its greatest and pure form) in so many ways... I consider myself very lucky just because I found you.
I just hope that you'll find the happy state you've been looking for, with all my heart.
Lots of love,
Ale.
PS. Oh, and I nominated you for the Honest Scrap Award (or whatever it is called), you can check the instructions in my blog.
¡Besos!
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