WARNING: If you want a "good read" or a "happy post" don't delve any further. This post is purely my selfish attempt to make myself feel better by getting some things off my chest. Why not write it down in your private journal you ask? Perhaps it will benefit me (remember the words "selfish attempt") or someone else if it's made public. Perhaps it won't.
The past two days, I'll round it up to three, have been absolutely bizarre to say the least. I can't sleep or eat. My mind is completely clogged with so much bullshit that I've failed to be productive (in a creative sense). Anyone who knows me knows that productivity in any other sense of the word has not been my strong suit for several months since I got the ax from my employment with the government. I've put the bitterness behind me, but the job hunt is pure hell! Everything is computerized, so I have no clue if human resources has even considered my dozens of applications or resumes. My honesty about past bad behavior on a job is most likely frowned upon in the realm of customer service (well the bitch was crazy and someone had to tell her). I'm pretty sure I can hold my tongue now. It was nearly 8 years ago so I hope I've matured to some degree. How do I explain to a computer that I've maintained my composure and was even polite to pedophiles and child abusers in the last job I had for over 7 years? The blank they give to comment isn't quite big enough.
I've apparently lost a friend and since my attempts to contact him are being blatantly ignored; I have absolutely no clue what I did to deserve this treatment. Yesterday afternoon, a member of my childhood community was murdered during what I believe was a robbery. Although I hadn't seen him in well over a decade; it has really torn me apart. I'm so foggy that I can't focus on the positive aspects of the past hour let alone the other wonderful things that have transpired over the past 48 to 72 hours. I've reconnected with several friends, perhaps made some new ones, my shop was nearly cleaned out by parents who ended up making their little girls very happy with gifts of jewelry. Despite all these awesome things I feel completely alone. I don't feel I have anyone to vocalize my feelings to so I'm spilling my guts (most of them anyway) to a machine. Please don't perceive me as rude, because I do appreciate written comments, but it is not the same as being able to share the good and the bad by spoken word with another human being. Old friends are busy with their families and new friends have been made via the internet and live thousands of miles away. I can't reach out to the members of my family because I express my emotions with words and tears which makes them uncomfortable. I don't blame them for it; we're just different. To sum it all up, I'm lonely and I'm just going to have learn to deal with all this somehow on my own. I've been through far worse, so I don't doubt I'll pull myself out of this hell, but it really feels shitty at this particular moment.
12 comments:
I am so sorry! I wish I could say something to make it all better. I have been there. I have felt isolated. Sometimes vocalizes helps. Try reaching out to those family members anyway. One last attempt. Try and make them understand how much you need them and rely upon them. It never hurts to ask. Maybe one of them will come around for you. (((hugs)))
Oh goodness, babe. I'm so sorry to hear that life's got you down. I can relate to so much of what you're dealing with, so please know that you're not alone (and by that, I mean that I'm always here if you just need someone to listen). I TOTALLY know what you mean when you say that you feel alone. I am estranged from my mother and I don't really have any close friends either. I am very lucky to have an awesome, supportive man, but it's not fair for him to be my only friend. I used to be the most social person, but I now feel awkward and nervous around other people at times. And, like you, I find it much easier to make friends on the internet than I do in real life, but that doesn't do much when you really just need to sit down face-to-face and have a nice chat with a good buddy. Here's my advice: Move to Oklahoma and let's be bffs!! Hehe. I know that's not a realistic solution, but I thought maybe some silliness might brighten your day.
oh honey, I feel for you. Get it out there, I'm here if you need me. Hugs and kisses from my turtles
If they made a magic bandaid to make it feel better both you and me would be rocking them out. Luv you woman!
ooooh....kiddo...
I love you to pieces!
Sadly, I can really relate to the lonliness bit...makes you feel like giving up.
But...I think a lot of people are going through similar situations with this economy...and the best thing we can do is hold our heads high and hope for the best. Maybe that's why this is all going on....to bring people closer? Together we have to make it through this crap!
Hey girl-- it's good that you're letting things out. Don't let it all bottle up inside you. The job search now is AWFUL. There are so many people applying for every job, and its so impersonal with computers and e-mail and mailed letters saying you didn't get the job. It sucks, but if you just keep at it-- someone is going to admire how honest you are in your application and would be stupid not to call you in for an interview.
I understand feeling alone. I moved in with my boyfriend, and I have him.. but I'm so far from my other friends and I'm scared that I've lost them since I'm now a part of the dreaded "couple" Single friends never want to hang with a couple alone... it sucks! Being so far from my family and friends, some nights I just wonder if I'm going to feel so lonely like this forever. I have to remember that people really care about me, whether they are near or far or online or in real life. And people care about you! :)
To add to Holly's post-- I second the come to Oklahoma! She's the sweetest girl, she lives an hour from me and we've had dinner and she's awesome! :) Come hang with us!
I have been there and I feel for you. But as you can see by the response here, you are not alone! I think it is a woman's plight to feel this way from time to time. Before my epilepsy was diagnosed and controlled with medication, I alienated just about everyone I knew. Larry and I almost divorced. And it is hard on Larry, he is my only friend. I used to be a fun, life of the party type of person. Now I don't like new situations.
If you ever need to talk, I am almost always at home. Nothing to do.
I will send you my phone number at FFEST mailbox
I'm truly at a loss for words. All I can say right now is that each one of you are so incredibly awesome! Thank you for being such wonderful caring people! And if any of you ever need anything send me an e-mail (my address is on my profile). I'm so grateful to know you all :)
Much love,
Suzanne
chin up kiddo :)
hugs
holy shit I feel like I'm reading about myself! I've checked out your blog because you're my winner for the pink bracelet. let me tell you what I've learned in the year (almost) that I've been laid off from my job... most people are assholes, care only about themselves and sleep-walk through life. I said screw it to job searching and started school. I feel better about myself and my future. try something different and out of your box... now is the time to take that pill called fuckitall. I hope this bracelet cheers you up. pink makes everything better. :)
I hope everything gets better for you. I could have written that almost word for word 3 months ago. I hear your pain and confusion in your words. So I'm a new friend - here for you anytime!
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