She's a Really Nice Girl!

No, really. I'm serious! I wish you every happiness in the world!

*Now stop fucking calling me!*

(*-* denotes a LACK of sarcasm in this instance.)

Folks, I'm Sick. Please Give Me a Break!

I'm going through a rough time in my life, and those of you who are true friends know this. I have bipolar disorder and was recently hospitalized for a suicide attempt. My depression is still not under control as during my last suicide attempt, I lost my best friend in the world and he has now chosen to act as if I succeeded in ending my life. I'm still plagued by suicidal thoughts and comments attacking my religious beliefs (especially since the person doing so is still friends with my former best friend) are exacerbating the problem. So if you don't have anything nice to say, please keep your mouth shut!

Good Friday

Good Friday wasn't so good for me, but it wasn't very good for Jesus either, so I guess I'm in great company. That is all.

(Happy Zombie Jesus Day on Sunday, just in case I don't tell y'all then--that means Happy Easter, and yes, I'm a Christian. Thanks for asking).

Things are Getting Better . . .

Anyone miss me? I've been away for a little while trying to get well. Depression is a "fickle bitch" as Benjamin Linus would say. Although I lost my best friend during my last depressive episode, I am getting better despite the sadness I'm having dealing with that loss.

I'm keeping busy attending group therapy 5 days a week. I should be done with that part of my treatment next week and then will move on to individual therapy. I've been crafting up a storm, but keep forgetting to take pictures of the items I make before packing them up to send out to swap partners or customers. Speaking of packing; I have to move by the middle of next month and need to begin that process. My friend is coming over today to help me get started.

So that's what has been going on in my little part of the world . . .

The Reason I'm Not Posting As Much

I have no idea if many people truly follow this blog (I'm inept at reading the sitemeter stats). I have quite a few followers, but I know I personally don't read every blog I follow. But for those of you who do actively follow and may have wondered why my posts are few and far between it's because I've started another blog, so, yes, I'm cheating on "kiddo's shenanigans" right now. It's not the most pleasant of affairs, as the purpose of my mistress blog is to journal my road to recovery from bipolar disorder. I've been on a downward spiral since 2008 and medication alone is not the answer. I've enrolled myself in an intensive outpatient mental health program which meets Monday through Friday for four hours each day. It's a group therapy setting so I'm able to share with and listen to other people in situations very similar to my own.

I decided to make the new blog in order to channel my feelings and emotions in the most effective way I know how which is writing about them. I also hope that sharing my story can help those who also may be suffering from a mental illness and feel like they're all alone; I know right now that's one of my biggest issues. I also hope to educate others who don't understand what it's like to have a mental illness. I've already been successful as one of my friends was able to learn a lot from one of my posts and asked to share it with her friends on Facebook, which I was more than happy to let her do so. I understand that my new blog may not be something that many people would feel comfortable reading. It's raw and honest, and that makes a lot of people uncomfortable; which is why I chose to keep it separate from this one. If you are interested in reading "The Journey," by all means please do so. A friend of mine likes to call it "Kiddo's Road to Wellville" which I think is perfectly fitting. I am determined to beat, or at the very least, manage the hell out of this disease.

Happy New Year!

I wanted to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I've been blogging for nearly an entire year now and am excited about the year to come! I'm hoping that 2010 will mark an upswing in my life. 2009 was shitty for me to say the least . . . I am optimistic that this upcoming year will be better than the last! Thanks to everyone who has been reading and showing their support! I love you all!

"Waiting in Vain"

Me, waiting on the message that shall never come.

Self Portrait

Dependable

If any of your past coworkers could use one word to describe you, what would it be? "Dependable." That's laughable. There are many things one can depend on me doing, but usually none of those things are positive. Here are things that you can always depend on me to do:

*scrounge up enough money for a pack of cigarettes
*fall in love with someone who doesn't love me back
*have tremors in public due to anxiety
*be home alone on a Friday night
*be the one who didn't get invited to the party
*have a messy room

So when that question is asked of me I can truthfully call myself dependable. Dependably lame.

Self-Realization

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything. -Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club

This quote used to offer me a certain sense of comfort. No matter how bad things became; I still had possibilities. Recently the same quote has left me in a state of utter confusion. What the hell does "everything" mean? Exactly what more do I have to lose before I can reach the all too elusive freedom which will enable me to "do anything." I'm no idiot. I realize that I've been pulling each and every word apart in an effort to keep myself imprisoned.

Although my life has truly sucked for the past seven years; I felt secure in my existence. I earned my degree. I found a career that I believed was worthwhile. I was able to afford a home and a car. I was also fooled into thinking I could afford a vast array of what I now understand to be worthless shit. The sense of security I had was a farce. The degree: a piece of paper documenting wasted time. The career: while my goal was to make society a safer, kinder place; the goal of the jackasses I worked for was purely self-preservation. The loss of my career delivered me to a place worse than hell. A place I thought I'd never escape. I'm finally discovering that if I don't pick myself up immediately; I'm going to die! Perhaps not in the literal sense of the word, but isn't the death of one's spirit far worse than one's physical demise?

I'm through dwelling on the senseless bullshit that led to the loss of my "career." Bitterness will help me accomplish nothing except revenge. I'm no longer going to allow pride get in the way of me searching for a "job" so I can subsist without the aide of my parents. Most importantly, I'll no longer allow myself to use my mental illnesses as an excuse for not living up to my full potential as the human being I desire to be. I'm 31, but I have no clue as to "what I want to be when I grow up." All I know is who I want to be. I want to be a person who strives to make the world a safer, kinder place. No career is going to help me reach this goal. It's completely up to me now. This is the freedom that has eluded me for so long. I'm grateful to have finally come to this self-realization. Yes, it scares me and is going to be one hell of a ride, but it pales in comparison to what I've already endured.