Scary Albino Monkey

This was just completely random. I have no idea where my inspiration came from on this one.

Finger Puppet

This started out as a very small plushie, but when I started to stuff it I noticed that it would make a kickass finger puppet! There are two sides to it on which I embroidered the design (which is inspired by Paul Frank's monkey, Julius). I actually think this first side looks a little like Bumpo with an eye patch.

Although this finger puppet is very small, it took me like two hours to do the embroidery. It may have been because I was tired after listening to the drunken redneck outside my window all night. (See previous post).

Dear Drunken Redneck Outside My Window

Dear Drunken Redneck Outside My Window,

Why in the hell are you outside my window at 4:23 a.m.? And why do you find it necessary to speak at the top of your lungs in a falsetto voice? At first I thought you were looking for your cat ("here kitty kitty!," "here Snowbird!"), but now I'm not so sure you even know what in the hell you're talking about ("hey darlin', hey darlin', hey darlin'!").

Your accent is annoying enough in itself, but the addition of the falsetto tone is especially hard to take. Do you realize I've been listening to your incoherent babble for the past hour as have the other dozens of people whose windows you're lurking outside of in this cramped residential neighborhood? They were most likely sleeping, dear drunken redneck, but I am awake and I've been listening to you for an hour now.

I thought about calling the police, but I don't want to waste my early morning hours talking to an officer, or making the unnecessary call to 911: "What's your emergency?" "There is a drunken redneck lurking outside of my window speaking loudly in a falsetto voice." "We'll send out an officer." (Time elapses, another hour, maybe two). The falsetto voice keeps on. Dear drunken redneck, be glad I do not own a firearm. (Please just pass out already!)

Your pal,

Good Friday

Good Friday wasn't so good for me, but it wasn't very good for Jesus either, so I guess I'm in great company. That is all.

(Happy Zombie Jesus Day on Sunday, just in case I don't tell y'all then--that means Happy Easter, and yes, I'm a Christian. Thanks for asking).

Sober Bunny

What do you get for the friend or relative in rehab who has everything? (Okay, so they don’t really have anything because they pissed it all away in pursuit of their habit). How about Sober Bunny? Sober Bunny detests all fermented beverages and is the perfect Easter gift for the recovering (or not yet recovering) alcoholic in your life.

Sober Bunny was born out of sheer boredom and the following excerpt from a phone conversation I had today with a close friend who is away in rehab. (I’ll call him “Dumbass” to protect his anonymity--it’s a term of endearment. I swear!):

Me: Guess what?
Dumbass: What?
Me: Everyone loved the bunnies I made for my graduation today. (Referring to the 14 bunnies I made for the members of my therapy group and counselors).
Dumbass: Why didn’t you make me one? (Please notice that I did not receive a congratulations).
Me: Because you already have one, dumbass! (Referring to the first Love Bunny I ever made which he took with him to rehab).
Dumbass: Just f***ing with you!

Hopefully the facility my friend is in uses X-rays to screen their mail for contraband because I would be devastated if Sober Bunny gets destuffed! I predict a similar phone conversation to follow:

Dumbass: I love Sober Bunny and so did my friend, Dipshit! He wants to know if you can make a Crack is Wack Bunny.
Me (Thinking): Google Image = “crack pipe.”